oh, you beautiful woman.

today's quintessential woman is one that is equal to super-woman. she brings her family together for dinner while juggling work and dealing with cranky children and a boss that could be the re-incarnation of satan. the question here, is if all of these things make her a "super woman" or a woman that finds her nemesis in the mirror? in this day and age, women are all about power too. gone are the days where they sat patiently at home watching dramatic soap operas on the television and chopped onions. today, it's even the other way around. do these things make a woman insecure?

on a lazy sunday afternoon, i sat with my grandmother to have our regular sunday conversations. she always looks extremely calm and composed, and i don't remember a time when i have heard her speak out of turn. a person with her own opinions, she still found her way and her path to womanhood through acceptance. She quoted once, "In those days, we used to wait patiently, we cooked food for 12 people a day. all by ourselves. if we worked, we were teachers, or we did social service at centers for children. we were very much unlike you girls", in her crackling voice.

i always wonder if they never had any questions and if they just did things because they were told to. back then, women played a major role in the house. but oustide, they hardly ever had a say. they were almost always confined to their batter-making machines and the traditional art forms that they pursued, like dance and music. they were pretty much blessed with great genes because of the simple life that they led.

on a completely different hand, a woman of today would absolutely disagree with a woman from the 80's. today, women are all about debating. she can talk her way through a divorce or anything related to money, power, politics, finances and sex. what can a woman of today not handle?

does that make her or break her?

in spite of all the pressure that a woman faces today, what makes her beautiful is her inner strength. the strength to be heard in a man's world, the strength to be a supportive mother, and the strength to blast her way through life without being a doormat.

that beauty is to be admired.
and that strength, is within every one of us.

praise you, you beautiful woman!

constantly changing.

do you believe in change? do you think it has happened to you?

it's happening to me. or so i think. hence the interrogation. so what keeps me smiling?

ok, let's rewind.

so i had a disastrous year. while switching between cities and shuttling between two parts of my brain, i have been trying to live what we call "life". while i am happy for people who have moved to a new city, a new country even, i miss them. at every juncture. at every point. in my opinion, happiness is overrated. for all this talk about finding joy in small things, if life were that simple, we'd all be happy by now. we'd have all that we want. but the truth is that even if we have the chance to be happy, we choose the road that takes us down to the other side (the boring one....little dark too).

there are a couple of things that have been missing in my life for a while now, the first one being enthusiasm.

where is all the enthusiasm in the world people? does nothing excite us anymore?

are we bound to just sit there and not care about anything or anyone that walks the face of the earth?

the next being a driver's license.

i don't know what pushes me away from the thought of being a legit driver. plain stupidity and procrastination on my part.

third being some kind of stability in making choices - that's pretty self explanatory.

you see how hard i'm trying to find a problem in my life? you see what i'm doing right there? that's exactly my point. if you really really think about it, you're not missing too many things if you're content with most things around you.

i'm trying to be thankful for what i have.

i'm trying to be normal. bright and shiny.

it's working. i'm changing...slowly but steadily. :)

i haven't posted in over a year and a half.

i have been busy.

not busy with activities, important meetings or round table conferences.

busy with my thoughts.

contemplating over things that could make or break my life.

what can i say?

a lot could have.. and has happened over this period.

high school results, college admissions, sleepless nights, long conversations, broken relationships, new friends, partying, accommodating, living, loving and being. but wasn't all of that enough? i was slowly but steadily entering that phase of my life, the phase that we call - 'youth'. i can't help but think of a ridiculous star from regional cinema when i say that word, but well, that's how i work. anyway, i walked through a really long road - facing my worst fears, enjoying moments of peace and working towards a goal (or so i thought).

you know how some people plan their life and it turns out so perfectly. i saw people around me - changing their minds all the time, and i would go - "i wonder why i'm so obsessed with this? why don't i have any options? is it because i'm sure i need to be here, or is it because i'm over confident?" But i was still proud. proud that i never let go, proud that i stuck to doing what i wanted to; proud that all i do, is cross barriers of sorts to get there.

but did it work for me? is it working for me?

i always feel like we need to go really far to get what we want. we sacrifice our homes, our friends, our life, our relationships and everything that comes attached, to go after what we want. my question is - when we do end up getting what we want..who do we share it with?

i wonder if i want to go all the way up a corporate ladder, just to be loaded and lonely.

every minute of the day that i work, i miss my family, my home, my people.

who shares your success with you?

i can't stay happy working all the time, if i can't come back home to share it with the people i love. i could be homesick, i could have had a bad day..and this could be a post that i may laugh at a couple or years down the line, or months even. but right now, everything is a blur. everybody goes through that phase don't they?

all we can rely on, is time..and hope that it heals everything.

thoughts. questions. musings.

every time i think I've grown up, i haven't.

last night, i was thinking about it. (the sky always makes me wonder)

i looked back and though about things that make me cry and laugh. when i look back, i look at times where i've bitched about people, found faults with them, and even disappeared when things were going crazy. every time i looked at people who were older to me, i always thought... wow, how awesome must their life be? everybody is so mature. they're not throwing eggs at each other and they smile at each other. today, when I'm here myself.. i understand how it went. they couldn't say what they had to, they didn't want to say what they had to, they had to be hypocritical. i could tell it like it was and people would expect nothing less from me. i haven't lost that ability...still. sometimes i wonder, if people want to hear it? if they want things to be sugar-coated or they want it the way i can say it. people keep saying that they would like to hear real things. they talk about how truth-in-your face is totally the right thing to do.. and they say its the best quality someone can have.

but is it really? maybe someone thinks your a pain in the ass. do you want to hear it? when you expect the truth from someone, do you want to hear that you're a pain in the ass?

the truth is that when you grow up, you can't just say what you want.
when we were kids we would be forgiven.
with milk and cookies. and chocolates, of course.

but now.
now.
we're grown up.

when we're grown up,
we have to deal with issues.

faithful for-never.

When we thought forever meant forever, it didn't.

Forever, lured you into possibilities, that you'd never think of otherwise.

When you thought forever was indeed, forever; it was more for-never.

Forever, which once made the walls tremble and fancy bags click, doesn't exist.

Forever, which we imagined would be taken away only by wrathful god on death, doesn't exist.

Forever, that we had startling flashes of, stopped living.

I believed in forever. I believed people when they said forever. which i thought was fine. FINE. absolutely fine and normal.

normal...till forever, stopped existing.

maybe, maybe..

we use maybe. all the time. is it because we're never really sure about what we're doing? do you have a problem with me? maybe i do. Are you going to come home for dinner? maybe i am. maybe we're not supposed to feel better. maybe we're supposed to wait. maybe we're supposed to hope. maybe we're supposed to let people know we're okay, even if we aren't. maybe this is how it works.
maybe this, is what we call growing up.

maybe, maybe.

we're almost adults. how did that happen? and how do we make it stop?

sure, i don't want people yelling at me, and making me do things i don't want to.

sure, i hate the fact that I'm not allowed to be back home as late as anybody else.

sure, i hate that i can never say, "end of discussion."

sure, i want to live alone, travel the world, and drink my own hot butter rum at a bar after a really bad day at work without my dad giving me the stink eye.

sure, i'd love to make my own money, and raid an entire store for a fabulous wardrobe.

sure, i'd love to drive my own car, without my parents calling every minute to find out where i am.

but how am i going to be innocent and expect people to believe me?

do i really want to cook for me? we could just order food.

do i not want to be fussed over?

do i not want people making sure everything in my life is alright? would i be careful with any responsibility that would be given to me?

will i possibly handle it on those oh-so-broad shoulders? absolutely not.

we're almost adults. when did that happen? how do we make it stop?